The events of the last few days have had me alternately going “What the FUCK?” and wanting to hide under the blankets like the scared rabbit I am.
Because what the ever loving, Kentucky fried FUCK? They STORMED the Capitol building, intent on violently taking over the U.S. government in a bald attempt at a coup, their hatred stoked and encouraged by a man who (who was confused as to why everybody wasn’t as happy as he was about this) had tried every avenue available to him to plant his ass in the White House as dictator for life and was throwing tantrums worthy of the most frustrated toddler because he didn’t get his way.
Like a lot of Americans, I watched the news and Youtube and had every device I own open and pouring out details as fast as they came around me, listening with growing anxiety and fear about what had happened and what COULD happen to our government.
I’m not a fan of Joe Biden. I know very little about Kamala Harris, but she seems like she wants to kick ass and take names and I’m not mad about it. Joe Biden was not the man I would’ve chosen, if I’d been given a choice (I would’ve picked Andrew Yang, personally, or maybe Pete Buttegieg). But right now, he seems like he’s at least willing to try and fix this fucked up mess we’ve been left with after the last four years of dealing with a whiny man-baby who hasn’t done a single thing without asking “What’s in it for ME? What do I personally get out of it? What are you going to do FOR ME PERSONALLY if I do this/sign that/agree to this thing?”
It’s a very scary time for Americans right now, whichever side of the aisle you’re on. And it’s hard for me to process this, because I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.
I am a scared little rabbit. I have admitted that and will gladly say, yes, that’s me right there. The one hiding under the covers scared of the entire freaking world. 2020 did me no freaking favors, that’s for sure. If anything, it made me even more terrified of leaving the warm safety of my own bed to do pretty much anything at all. Because what does leaving my own bed get me? Pain. More fear. Potentially a disease that will maim me for life if it doesn’t kill me because my immune system is shitty and has a great desire to eradicate itself entirely. Because of COURSE it does. Thanks, genetics, I hate it.
If I learned anything from 2020, it’s that I am profoundly stupid and more than amazingly good at injuring myself. And I am SO good at hurting myself accidently that it scares the living daylights out of me. I have been terrified for months now that if I do anything even remotely hard at the gym, I will re-injure myself and be right back where I started a year ago–injured, in severe pain and basically having one big long panic attack and depressive spell for months on end. Again. And I don’t know if I could survive that all over again….it was difficult enough to do so the first time around. Because there was a point where I basically sat on the bed and sobbed to my husband (who was doing his best to support me, but totally out of his element and unsure of what to do or how to help) that if I had to live in that kind of pain FOREVER, I might as well just go ahead and die because I knew that I didn’t have the fortitude to deal with that every single day for the rest of my life.
I also know that I am profoundly stupid, in many ways. And I’m not even sure how to go about fixing that. Because when I try to fix things, I often end up making them worse…because in trying to learn, I end up failing spectacularly. And as much as I tried to be proud of my ability to not only fail, but fail so brilliantly you couldn’t help but be amazed at my ability to fail, it made me feel like a total moron.
One of the things I know I know the absolute least about is how to get into a less-round shape. I want to learn, but it just seems like the sheer amount of information about HOW to do that and how I SHOULD be doing it and what exactly I SHOULD be doing and what body parts I SHOULD be focusing on is just…overwhelming. Like so overwhelming I end up hiding under the covers (again) because I don’t know what to choose and scared that I’m going to choose the wrong thing and that even if I start at the most basic, beginner level, I’m going to do it wrong and injure myself again. And that makes me too scared to choose ANYTHING at all. And so I end up feeling like an absolute loser because I can’t make a choice because I’m too scared to choose anything at all.
I know none of this makes any sense. It doesn’t even make sense to me…and it came out of my brain. I just felt like I had to get some of this crap that’s been rattling around in my brain for what seems like an absolute eternity out. Why? I don’t know. Because I’m going to continue thinking about this stuff…I am VERY bad at just dumping shit out and moving on. Is anybody REALLY even any good at that? Because if they are, I want to learn how they do that. It’s like a goddamned super power or something.
I should probably get therapy. Or drugs. Or something. I don’t know.