I am so sore right now. My ankle feels as if it’s been battered by a Louisville slugger, Son has been a grumpy sourpuss all freaking day and I’m in a bit of an anxiety spiral about what to do if the results (which I still haven’t gotten from Dr. Karen Judgeypants) from my RA bloodwork come back negative. Because if she didn’t believe it was anything BUT bursitis, then what the hell makes me think that going to another doctor for a second opinion will make any difference? Am I doomed to just be in pain all the time, with nothing that I can really do about it except heat packs and ibuprofen (which does mostly nothing)?
This sucks.
You know what also sucks? Having a body that is broken and extremely uncooperative. Monday, when I went to get my thyroid levels re-checked (which hallefrigginglujah, they’re finally NORMAL), they had to try three different spots to get a good vein and ended up going with my inner wrist. Because of my anxiety, I made a horrible joke about how those veins were probably only not jacked up because when I was a teenager, I went the “attempted to OD’ route as opposed to “slit my wrists” route when I attempted suicide because I didn’t like razor blades all that much.
It was horrible and not a very good joke and probably not the right time to make such a dark joke anyway.
Even though I’m anxiety-spiraling right now, I’m too scared to take one of my emergency Xanax because I’m afraid it’s not ENOUGH of a panic attack for me to take one. I don’t want to run out (I was only given 10) and I don’t want to take them all, ask for a refill and have the doctor go “I JUST gave you these. I thought you said your anxiety was under control. WTF do you need MORE?”
I’m trying to just ride the wave and let this play itself out, but I don’t know if I’m going to get any sleep tonight because of it. And I’ve got a long ass day tomorrow, because I have to clean the house in the morning before I go to work (it needs it, bad), work, then dinner and Hubs and I have to Amazon-shop tomorrow night for Christmas presents. And I’m EXHAUSTED but I can’t sleep because all I can think about is “What if the results come back negative? WHERE THE HELL DO I GO FROM THERE IF IT’S NEGATIVE?”
And it kind of sucks.
My brain is borken..and not in a good way.